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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25326439">trapped inside the dream (where you love me)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/humanbehavior/pseuds/humanbehavior'>humanbehavior</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>NCT (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Dialogue Light, Established Relationship, M/M, Mommy Issues</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-07-17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 04:08:03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,196</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25326439</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/humanbehavior/pseuds/humanbehavior</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>their relationship is hollow and barely holding on by a thread, xiaojun knows that. the problem is he knows he can't fix it no matter how badly he wants to.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Qian Kun/Xiao De Jun | Xiao Jun</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>10</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>trapped inside the dream (where you love me)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>ok so this was for a contest on nct amino (i have the same username there as i do here) so like if this familiar to any of u, that's why, im not plagiarizing this is my own stuff lol.</p><p>(also follow me there if ya wanna! i post my fics there a day earlier than here! also im active like every day on there!)</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"t<em>his is a ring to show our love to each other for as long we're in this relationship."  </em></p><p>
  <em> kun stared at the silver ring on his ring finger of his left hand. it was a puzzle ring that fit together with xiaojuns'.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> "so, like a promise ring?" kun asked.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> xiaojun grinned, twisting the ring on his finger, "yeah. something like that."  </em>
</p><p>
  <br/>
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</p><p>xiaojun lays in the shared bed as he twists the ring on his finger idly. the only sound throughout the bedroom is kuns shallow breathing on the other side of the bed as he sleeps peacefully. xiaojun stares at the ceiling, thinking. which is the worst thing you could ever do late at night. </p><p>xiaojun loves kun, believe me, he does. but nothing was ever intimate between the two- it was cold. everything felt distanced as if there was always a line between the two. there was never comfort shared between the two. it felt as if the relationship was a business. </p><p>xiaojun stares at the ceiling. the light from the night from the slightly open shutters reflected on the plain white walls on the ceiling. xiaojun sighed turning over, he'd think about this another time. </p><p> </p><hr/><p>
  <br/>
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</p><p>xiaojun slowly eats his breakfast as he stares at kun eats his own breakfast unbothered, staring at his left hand. the ring is still there. even throughout the empty days of the other. </p><p>the only sound through the combined dining room and living room is the low volume of the tv and the scraping of utensils against the plates. kun likes it. he never has anything to say in the morning and xiaojun seems to be busy with his own thoughts, so focused on something he doesn't even notice kun staring at him. </p><p>the day goes by slowly again. it always does. </p><p>they always have small talk but it's never anything more. it's like sharing a home with a stranger. kun never says anything of importance. it's always simple things, "good morning" "good night" "hello" "goodbye". xiaojun knows he doesn't mean them, it's never a good morning or a good night, it's just to be polite, nothing about this routine is good. it's repetitive and as much as xiaojun loves routine, he absolutely loathes this one. </p><p>it isn't until the two are about to sleep until the routine finally changes. kun turns over to look at xiaojun. he never does this. </p><p>kun is tired. he's been tired for what feels like for ever. he needs answers. </p><p>"can i ask you something?" kun says. xiaojun glances at him with empty eyes, nothing behind it. </p><p>"go ahead." xiaojun says, slowly. his head is a rotting carcass, he could care less about what kun is about to say. </p><p>kun sighs, "what are we? like, what is this relationship?" </p><p>"i don't know. figure it out." xiaojun says coldly as he turns the other way. </p><p>xiaojun doesn't want to face it head on. when the two first got in the relationship, xiaojun was happy, always smiling and making jokes. he was a joy to be around. the happy person kun loved is dead. kun stayed the exact same, that's the thing. xiaojun is still in love with the same exact person before he was so close to him. but kun isn't, he knows that. he doesn't need to be told that. xiaojun changed, for the better or the worse, he doesn't know. </p><p>the two don't know how to continue this. with the coldness the two always showed each other, they were no different than what the world had shown him. the world was cold, he knew that- he thought love was the only warmth he would ever get in this world. of course with an exception, as his mother had told him once, </p><p>"the world is cold and built on rules that would never love you back unless you were great or extraordinary. " </p><p>(xiaojun was not great or extraordinary.)  </p><p> </p><p>maybe that was one of the reasons kun didn't love him anymore. he had nothing to offer. </p><p>the routine stays the same for weeks. xiaojun is miserable. it's obvious at this point. he doesn't even have enough motivation to get out of bed.</p><p>xiaojun cries, a lot. when he curls in on himself for the first time and begins sobbing like there's no tomorrow, kun stares at him with a blank stare on his face. he can't process what's going on- xiaojun always hates showing any evidence of weakness. this was a first. </p><p>xiaojun takes this silence as something else, as if kun were somehow in his head making fun of the boy in front of him, he asks, "why are you still here?" </p><p>"i'm sorry." kun says and leaves the room, shutting the door behind him. </p><p>this would be a nice way to die, xiaojun thinks. his lover slowly losing him to this miserable life he was living- a lover who felt like a stranger. </p><p>xiaojun looks down at the ring on his finger through the blurred vision of his tears. this felt like a joke. there was no way kun still loved him. kun always distanced himself and never bothered to speak much to him. this wasn't love. </p><p>this love makes him feel as if he were five again. small, unforgivably naive and no one loved him. you learn one thing though and only one thing when you're at this age. your mother hates you more than she hates herself.  </p><p>xiaojun stares at the wall. he doesn't know how long he does this for. it's comforting, he doesn't think about anything. he doesn't want to think about his shitty relationship with a man who doesn't love him back, his mother, or even his own wellbeing. his mind is completely empty. </p><p>kun opens the door for the first time in hours, "can i talk to you? like in the living room 'cause you've been in this room for way too long today."</p><p>xiaojun nods as he meets the other in their small combined living room and kitchen. kun is cleaned up and looks like an angel. xiaojun knows he probably looked like he crawled out of a dumpster. </p><p>"you asked me to figure out what our relationship was last week. and i think i finally know. "</p><p>xiaojun dreads what he's going to say. kun is probably going to say something about how he's never loved him, how he's tired of him, or something between the two. </p><p>"listen. i love you, i really do. i could have lived a thousand lives before this one or maybe only one but i know that in every single one, i loved you." </p><p>xiaojun is shocked- he was pretty sure that kun hated him and wanted to end this immediately. </p><p>kun sighs. </p><p>fuck there's more to what he's saying, xiaojun thinks. </p><p>kun looks up from the hardwood floor of the apartment to look up at xiaojun with glossed over eyes to give him a sad smile, "but never again like this." </p><p>as kun smiles at him one last time, he gracefully takes the ring off and leaves it by the table by the front door. </p><p>he finally understands that some love is obligatory. and this one was not. </p><p>
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  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>:-)</p></blockquote></div></div>
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